I just can't shake this feeling.. my brain has processed our situation and has accepted that anything resembling "us" must be this way at this time... apart and no interference..
my heart however, has another agenda entirely....
it seems I can't talk this out, write this out, cry this out... and part of me doesn't want to..
in some twisted aching way, it keeps you close to me.. every reminder strengthening my longing and my missing you.. sweet beautiful you... you...
I still wonder at how much you impacted me in such a relatively short period of time. Maybe it was all the work and listening to my body and the universe I have done over these last months that left me vulnerable... maybe it was just time to see the beauty in another again and my heart leapt at the chance to know you, to experience the essence of who you are.. what you notice, what you feel...
I know that this had to be for a purpose.. it has to be.. You cannot have come along after all this time to just disappear so quickly... there has to be a lesson to learn or a reason for you being revealed to me... you are beautiful and perfect and normal... but nothing even close to typical... and I know that embarrasses you when I say that, but it is true.. you are anything but typical, anything but run of the mill, anything but bottom shelf...
Was this all so that I could teach you, remind you, that happiness is what you need to focus on? Was I a reminder that there are people like me out there waiting for you and if you are not happy??? Then??
Were you a teacher for me, a concrete example that You do exist and that I can find "You" out there in this world..
Am I completely off base and this was all just nothing... I can't believe that... you were too specifically chosen for me, you are too specifically exactly who I wish to share a life with.. you are too specifically the same as me in so many aspects of life.. I can only imagine the affection that you shared with me, even with all that was going on in the background.. how amazing that would be when it was just the two of us and no background noise... but did you see enough... did you feel something? Did you need to clarify your relationship and put it to rest so that "us" could be something.. that sounds so egotistical to say.. but is it possible I lit something deep inside you, something that you had forgotten... because I noticed things, because I said things, because I did things that you crave... is it possible?
I just can't let go of the feeling that this was divinely created... too much was so right, too much was just easy.. too much felt like special order, perfectly created.. even the silence was soft and affectionate.. those raised eyebrows and that sweet smile.. the touch of your hand or those soft kisses.. who could not crave and pine for more of that... it was soul fulfilling, spirit freeing and beautiful... so easy to just be in each others company... words or no words.... you just you and me free to be just me...
My heart will not lay this down, it refuses to hear anything that my brain is telling it.. it doesn't want to hear anything but that you are coming home... this wound, this deep searing empty place that wants so badly to wrap itself around you and tell you what you have done to me... how I wish to take away all of your confusion and pain, all the hurt and tears... let me shoulder all of it for you... let me love you and add to your happiness... let me walk beside you, let me hear your fears and see your smile shine for me...
Part of me wonders if I am feeling your heart, feeling what you are walking through right now... this dull ache that will not subside.. it hasn't faded even a hair.. If I knew that this was helping, I would gladly shoulder all of it... that is the most difficult part of all of this, the not knowing.. how are you, how are you coping.. what are you thinking... I know how hurt you were, if you think I couldn't see it or sense it, you are dead wrong... that pained me to see such a beautiful soul, so conflicted, so shattered... I know I don't know the whole story, but I know enough just seeing your cautiousness and the few words spoken when you ever so slightly cracked for me...
and again this morning, I glance in the rear view mirror in time to see a Dodge Ram pull up behind me. We turn the corner and "Love Somebody" begins to play on the radio again... it's because I am thinking of you.. another Ram pulls up beside me, I am surrounded by words that I want to say to you and surrounded by symbols of your life... another silver Ram complete with silver canopy turns into a parking lot across the street.. I am truly surrounded, carried along on this magical ride.. everywhere is you... its all you... I smile and just bask in the universes way of reminding me of you.. like I need the help... my eyes tear up, but I hold the smile...
it feels like something is going to happen... it feels like something is getting ready to move or change... so many things, so many reminders... if we can get through this, nothing will stand in our way... just fulfill your soul and spirit with what makes you happy.. my only prayer for you...
xoxox
