just can't shake it...

I just can't shake this feeling.. my brain has processed our situation and has accepted that anything resembling "us" must be this way at this time... apart and no interference..

my heart however, has another agenda entirely....
it seems I can't talk this out, write this out, cry this out... and part of me doesn't want to..
in some twisted aching way, it keeps you close to me.. every reminder strengthening my longing and my missing you.. sweet beautiful you... you...

I still wonder at how much you impacted me in such a relatively short period of time. Maybe it was all the work and listening to my body and the universe I have done over these last months that left me vulnerable... maybe it was just time to see the beauty in another again and my heart leapt at the chance to know you, to experience the essence of who you are.. what you notice, what you feel...

I know that this had to be for a purpose.. it has to be.. You cannot have come along after all this time to just disappear so quickly... there has to be a lesson to learn or a reason for you being revealed to me... you are beautiful and perfect and normal... but nothing even close to typical... and I know that embarrasses you when I say that, but it is true.. you are anything but typical, anything but run of the mill, anything but bottom shelf...

Was this all so that I could teach you, remind you, that happiness is what you need to focus on? Was I a reminder that there are people like me out there waiting for you and if you are not happy??? Then??
Were you a teacher for me, a concrete example that You do exist and that I can find "You" out there in this world..

Am I completely off base and this was all just nothing... I can't believe that... you were too specifically chosen for me, you are too specifically exactly who I wish to share a life with.. you are too specifically the same as me in so many aspects of life.. I can only imagine the affection that you shared with me, even with all that was going on in the background.. how amazing that would be when it was just the two of us and no background noise...  but did you see enough... did you feel something? Did you need to clarify your relationship and put it to rest so that "us" could be something.. that sounds so egotistical to say.. but is it possible I lit something deep inside you, something that you had forgotten... because I noticed things, because I said things, because I did things that you crave... is it possible?

I just can't let go of the feeling that this was divinely created... too much was so right, too much was just easy.. too much felt like special order, perfectly created.. even the silence was soft and affectionate.. those raised eyebrows and that sweet smile.. the touch of your hand or those soft kisses.. who could not crave and pine for more of that... it was soul fulfilling, spirit freeing and beautiful... so easy to just be in each others company... words or no words.... you just you and me free to be just me...

My heart will not lay this down, it refuses to hear anything that my brain is telling it.. it doesn't want to hear anything but that you are coming home... this wound, this deep searing empty place that wants so badly to wrap itself around you and tell you what you have done to me... how I wish to take away all of your confusion and pain, all the hurt and tears... let me shoulder all of it for you... let me love you and add to your happiness... let me walk beside you, let me hear your fears and see your smile shine for me...

Part of me wonders if I am feeling your heart, feeling what you are walking through right now... this dull ache that will not subside.. it hasn't faded even a hair..  If I knew that this was helping, I would gladly shoulder all of it... that is the most difficult part of all of this, the not knowing.. how are you, how are you coping.. what are you thinking... I know how hurt you were, if you think I couldn't see it or sense it, you are dead wrong... that pained me to see such a beautiful soul, so conflicted, so shattered... I know I don't know the whole story, but I know enough just seeing your cautiousness and the few words spoken when you ever so slightly cracked for me...

and again this morning, I glance in the rear view mirror in time to see a Dodge Ram pull up behind me. We turn the corner and "Love Somebody" begins to play on the radio again... it's because I am thinking of you.. another Ram pulls up beside me, I am surrounded by words that I want to say to you and surrounded by symbols of your life... another silver Ram complete with silver canopy turns into a parking lot across the street.. I am truly surrounded, carried along on this magical ride.. everywhere is you... its all you... I smile and just bask in the universes way of reminding me of you.. like I need the help... my eyes tear up, but I hold the smile...

it feels like something is going to happen... it feels like something is getting ready to move or change... so many things, so many reminders... if we can get through this, nothing will stand in our way... just fulfill your soul and spirit with what makes you happy.. my only prayer for you...

xoxox

A dull ache of longing..

A dull ache is what I feel now, I know that this must be this way at the moment, it just hurts...

9 days since your final email to me, and I have it seared across my wounded heart. I have it memorized and can recite it by heart..

"Dear Ryan"....
 that you called me Ryan instead of Ry was the first twinge of pain.. with that I knew you had pulled back... with that I knew you had to pull back... this is the way it has to be now.. I cannot be any part of your life right now.. not while you figure out how you will proceed forward.. be that with your estranged spouse, or forward with me or God forbid, without me...

All I pray for is your happiness.. my heart will not allow me to hope that your reconciliation fails and that you come back to me... my heart will not allow me to utter any word in favour of what I know to be a painful process of dividing lives and tearing memories in half... my heart wont allow me to.

I know that I cannot be a part of this process, even though it is difficult not knowing.. how you are, how you are feeling, if you are being supported and loved and held at this time.... that is almost the most difficult part.. my wounded heart will heal, slowly, but not knowing how yours is, is almost too much... that's what hurts...

"Everything is fine... thank you for asking"
Everything is not fine... you are about to tell me that you can't see me anymore, that this whirlwind 6 weeks, these dozens of emails and texts are about to come to an end... those beautiful brown puppy dog eyes will disappear.. those soft sweet kissable lips will never touch mine again... is it for forever.. is it a momentary blip on what will ultimately be a lifetime of holding and caring for you... I keep hearing "time will tell" and "what will be will be" and I almost want to shout STOP IT!!! What does that MEAN??????????? What does it mean....

"I have something to tell you..."
my heart skips a beat and I know what is coming.. I took a calculated risk with this getting to know you and its about to slap me in the face... I knew from day one that this may happen, and it's happening.. it's happening.... but I would do all of it again if I had to.. see not meeting you and spending the time we did have together, is not an option for me... period!

"I have a lot of baggage from the past (as a lot of people do) and have realized that I just cannot keep up seeing you at this time..... "
omg this is happening... my heart has left my body and I am hollow.... yet I still know that it must be this way.... this is happening...

"I have had a long term relationship that has been on the rocks for the last 3 months or so, and over the course of the weekend, we have decided to give it another go...."
still I know that it must be this way.. questions must be pondered and decisions must be made... hearts must be searched and souls must be allowed to feel, and question and tears must flow... and I cannot be a part of any of it.. any hint of input from me can only be seen as completely self serving.. for I care about you... you have impacted me more than any other I have ever met... ever...

"I hope you understand, and I am sorry for not mentioning it sooner"
I cringe at the thought of you needing to apologize for this... I can feel the guilt in your words and I just want to hug you and tell you that no apology is needed.. that I took the chance and would do it again in a heartbeat if I had it to do over again... my heart is breaking and all I want to do is make you feel better.. but then that's me.. I can take care of myself later... my focus is You... beautiful You...

"Take care and all the best"
I can feel the resignation ringing in those words, I can feel the pain, and I know that you didn't want to hurt me.. you are not that type of man... you are warm and caring and soft, sweet, an amazing beautiful man who I have been blessed to have in my world if even for just a short time... I don't want this, I want you... but I know that you aren't mine to have.. at least right now... and it must be this way.. it must..

I pick up my phone and call you, and get voice mail immediately... part of me is relieved, part of me is dying to hear your sweet voice just one more time before the chasm opens between our lives... I mean every syllable I speak into the phone receiver and send my hope that you and your other can work out your relationship.. I am dying inside but it's how I feel... you have years and memories together, and loved each other enough to say vows in front of family and friends... I cannot wish for that to implode.. again I pray that you will be happy.. I confess to knowing of some kind of relationship and immediately hope that you are not angry with me for this... I never felt it was my place to say something.. that was too personal and I wanted you to feel comfortable enough to tell me when you were ready... I plead with you to remember that you are a wonderful caring amazing beautiful beautiful young man and to never allow yourself to be treated otherwise... I wish you well, give you an "I Love You buddy" and tell you that I will always be here for you. I hope that our paths can cross some day as I would not like you to become someone who just disappeared into the history of my life... maybe that was too much, maybe that was selfish, but I had to say it... if it was the last thing you ever heard me speak, I wanted you to know..

I re-read the email over and over, and then it hits me.... "at this time"...

I know that you purposefully choose your words, I know that you don't write off the cuff....
your words mean something to you and you choose them with care.. I also know that you know I notice things.. we both do... "at this time".. but wait.. there is also no rejection of me.. nothing to indicate that you never want to lay eyes on me again.. nothing negative at all... did you? Could you?
I steady myself to not read too much into what I am sure was not an easy email to write.. I can feel the pain and see the resignation in the words..
"at this time"... is this a postponement? Its certainly not a rejection, or not the rejection you could have written... "Never/Can't/Won't/Don't, a thousand things you could have said and a thousand ways you could have told me that you never wanted to see me again.. but that is absent... completely absent...
"at this time" it gets louder in my head.. is it possible? Can I let my heart believe those words... as I write this, I look out the window and there is another damn silver Dodge Ram... another reminder of you... I look down at my boots and almost start to cry...

how will I package this for my heart? My brain? My soul? Can I believe that you have written hope into this message to me? How will I ever know? Did I impact you in the same way you have impacted me? Can I hope for that? MY one prayer is for your happiness and if that comes to pass as coming back to me... I can almost not even think in those terms.. Am I wrong? Am I seeing that which doesn't really show? It's burned into my heart.. and I know that patience and faith must sustain me for however long this process takes...

Will you reach out to me if your marriage doesn't survive? Is that what you want me to see in those three little words? Can you? Did you see enough of what "This" guy is about? Did you hear my words and take them into your soul, your beautiful soul...
you came out of nowhere for a different reason than where we found ourselves... that was divine.. two people so equally matched across so many levels... connection.. affection.. if there is a sliver of a chance that I can show you just what I am capable of, will you take that chance? All the work I did this year, was it in preparation for showing you that I existed... was it to show you that your happiness is what you must pursue? I don't know where I would find another You. You tick all the boxes, and Yes, I don't know everything, but what I do know, and what I have seen... you aren't even close to anyone I have ever met. I've been on this planet a decade longer than you have, and you have never come along before... not even close....

the tears flow so easily, as they are right beneath the surface... so many things remind me of you.. I've worn boots every day since you left, and I will wear them every day until... I wear this grief like a blanket, it hugs me and holds me in its embrace... its comfort and despair rolled into one heavy coating... some one like you doesn't come along every day and this is why this has gripped me so completely... we don't choose who we are attracted too, that comes from some place holy and divine... we were brought together for a reason, and I know God uses people to teach other people... just don't forget me... this guy is exactly what you see... and from the love circled around me right now, that's exactly what people do see...

until this mystery is revealed, until I can say some of these words to you, until I can hug you and look into those beautiful eyes, know that I am here, just as I said I would be... a text, an email, a phone call away.. day or night or just because... a shoulder to lean on, arms to soothe, or just a silent drive for hours in the country... it's all here for you...

I pray for the Hollywood ending, you know, the handsome cowboy showing up in his silver Ram truck, professing that he knows what he wants and that that includes me... but my life doesn't have those type of endings... they are all lessons and turning points.. points of decision and soul searching... hero's don't normally turn up for me... just once?

I love you buddy, and I care about you... you changed me, you made me step up and keep up.. you made me feel alive again after a difficult year of lessons and tests for my spirit and soul... I want so badly to reach out to you, but I know that would be the biggest misstep... you need this time to just be... our time will come, I am sure of it...

you are a beautiful, amazing young man... I am blessed to have shared with you, to have met you, to have experienced your essence... I am happy I could make you smile...

take care.... hugzs hugzs hugzs (my way)

xoxox

ry

Waiting for You...

I haven't been here for way too long. My connection to that place where the words come from has been silent and dry. My fingers idled by the lack of motivation. My soul has not been unfulfilled in this absence though. It has continued to strive and grow and soar.

Until today....

What looms on the horizon has filled me with passion and feeling, my connectedness to that which drives my thoughts and the overwhelming need to sit and let the words flow forth, has come back like a dam broken by too much rain..

The promise of You, has shifted my creativity into overdrive. Waiting for you has sharpened my gaze and quickened my heart... 11 days since our last emails to each other, and each one seems like a century..

Letters arranged into words, arranged into sentences, arranged into emails of hopeful promise of something reborn.. my heart reborn...
Am I ready for this? I know that God only brings to me what I am ready and capable of living when I am ready. His guidance has never steered me down a path before it was my time to make that journey. In that knowledge I have trust absolute.

Waiting for you.. it's a double layered event.. waiting for you to return from your journey, a journey you indicated you needed.. I wait to hear the back story, was it needed to escape, to clear your mind, to regroup and refocus.. was it needed to repair and mend something recently broken... my mind races with the reasons, be they mountainous or of no decidedly important value... I can't wait to have you close and hear what has, was and is on your heart..

Your heart...
In what I have read thus far, seems so fairly matched to mine. That in itself is both so succulently sweet and dismally terrifying all in the same moment. Am I ready to nurture and hold anothers love, treat it as precious, forgive its transgressions and allow it to meld with mine? Have I learned my lessons, have I walked the work, walked the healing enough to be who I so want to be in partnership with who I feel you are. Yes, they are only words written at this point, but the way they are, the words and punctuation used, have a flavour so much like my own. They feel so familiar and comfortable.. they feel like home.

If you were to read this right now, I can only imagine you running terrified from my side, I mean who would feel this deeply about someone they have yet to hold, yet to kiss, yet to be with. I guess I am incapable of setting a definable limit to my imagination. When someone intrigues me the way that you have, I lust for more knowledge about your exquisite soul. I thirst for every tidbit of contact, every idea, every passion that you embody. Will you feel the same when..... we.. kiss...

Some day, I will show you this, maybe on our 1st anniversary, and you will see how much I felt for you from day one. I hope that you will feel more loved than the very first moment we knew.. I hope that I will have been able to soothe your hurts, dry your tears, and make your heart sing the way you will have done for mine.

I hope I will have lived up to your expectations, I hope I will have given freely of my unending love, I hope that my affection and passion for you has grown day by day and that I acknowledge how amazing you are to me. If there have been disagreements, I hope that I have been the first to apologize and the first to set things right. I hope that I have been steadfast in my support for your decisions, and have been a gentle place to fall when this world throws its worst at you. I hope that I will have been able to let you know, that no matter the distance between us, that you are the most important person to me, and that your giving of yourself to me in the same way, is everything to me.

Waiting for you, has taken a lifetime of steps, a mountain of lessons and an unwavering willingness to be open to the day you would finally arrive. That day is to be celebrated, celebrated on each day after that...
I am here, waiting for you... my arms, my heart and my soul... here waiting for your arrival my Love...

With You, I know...

This may be a lot for You to know, but then again, maybe You already know it,
It may be that You live with the same "knowing" as my heart...

It is when I look at You, I know in absolute terms,  what True Love is...

You are the Standard against which I grade all others,
and alas,
I know that there is no one who will ever eclipse my knowing of You

The smile that crosses Your face, the laughter that fills our time together,
fuels my Heart like no other has ever done..

The touch of Your hand, the embrace of Your arms,
wraps and soothes and communicates more to my Soul, than any moment ever has..

My heart aches for every pain that life has placed in Your path, and I wish I could wash them all away.
My heart breaks for every undeserved slight this world has encumbered You with..

I scream silently inside wishing to hold and nurture and show You just what it is that Your existence
does to me..
and what it's supposed to feel like when someone says that they Love You..

Knowing every second, that what I feel can never be.

That in this life I must be Thankful for the gift of knowing what this feels like to Love this way,
even if You are to never know..
I must be Thankful I have been blessed with even a glimpse of what it means to know this
deep and divine feeling of Love.. Pure and Sacred and Unconditional..

I would move mountains and slay dragons if You ever needed me to. I would walk those thousand miles and dive the deepest seas, even if just to see You smile.. just to see You smile..

I will carry this with me all of my days. And even if You never know, My Heart always will.
For without You, my heart would have never known that it was this capable, and this blessed.

No matter where You are, know for certain that I am always with You, as You are with me.

For with You, I know... what True Love Is..