A dull ache of longing..

A dull ache is what I feel now, I know that this must be this way at the moment, it just hurts...

9 days since your final email to me, and I have it seared across my wounded heart. I have it memorized and can recite it by heart..

"Dear Ryan"....
 that you called me Ryan instead of Ry was the first twinge of pain.. with that I knew you had pulled back... with that I knew you had to pull back... this is the way it has to be now.. I cannot be any part of your life right now.. not while you figure out how you will proceed forward.. be that with your estranged spouse, or forward with me or God forbid, without me...

All I pray for is your happiness.. my heart will not allow me to hope that your reconciliation fails and that you come back to me... my heart will not allow me to utter any word in favour of what I know to be a painful process of dividing lives and tearing memories in half... my heart wont allow me to.

I know that I cannot be a part of this process, even though it is difficult not knowing.. how you are, how you are feeling, if you are being supported and loved and held at this time.... that is almost the most difficult part.. my wounded heart will heal, slowly, but not knowing how yours is, is almost too much... that's what hurts...

"Everything is fine... thank you for asking"
Everything is not fine... you are about to tell me that you can't see me anymore, that this whirlwind 6 weeks, these dozens of emails and texts are about to come to an end... those beautiful brown puppy dog eyes will disappear.. those soft sweet kissable lips will never touch mine again... is it for forever.. is it a momentary blip on what will ultimately be a lifetime of holding and caring for you... I keep hearing "time will tell" and "what will be will be" and I almost want to shout STOP IT!!! What does that MEAN??????????? What does it mean....

"I have something to tell you..."
my heart skips a beat and I know what is coming.. I took a calculated risk with this getting to know you and its about to slap me in the face... I knew from day one that this may happen, and it's happening.. it's happening.... but I would do all of it again if I had to.. see not meeting you and spending the time we did have together, is not an option for me... period!

"I have a lot of baggage from the past (as a lot of people do) and have realized that I just cannot keep up seeing you at this time..... "
omg this is happening... my heart has left my body and I am hollow.... yet I still know that it must be this way.... this is happening...

"I have had a long term relationship that has been on the rocks for the last 3 months or so, and over the course of the weekend, we have decided to give it another go...."
still I know that it must be this way.. questions must be pondered and decisions must be made... hearts must be searched and souls must be allowed to feel, and question and tears must flow... and I cannot be a part of any of it.. any hint of input from me can only be seen as completely self serving.. for I care about you... you have impacted me more than any other I have ever met... ever...

"I hope you understand, and I am sorry for not mentioning it sooner"
I cringe at the thought of you needing to apologize for this... I can feel the guilt in your words and I just want to hug you and tell you that no apology is needed.. that I took the chance and would do it again in a heartbeat if I had it to do over again... my heart is breaking and all I want to do is make you feel better.. but then that's me.. I can take care of myself later... my focus is You... beautiful You...

"Take care and all the best"
I can feel the resignation ringing in those words, I can feel the pain, and I know that you didn't want to hurt me.. you are not that type of man... you are warm and caring and soft, sweet, an amazing beautiful man who I have been blessed to have in my world if even for just a short time... I don't want this, I want you... but I know that you aren't mine to have.. at least right now... and it must be this way.. it must..

I pick up my phone and call you, and get voice mail immediately... part of me is relieved, part of me is dying to hear your sweet voice just one more time before the chasm opens between our lives... I mean every syllable I speak into the phone receiver and send my hope that you and your other can work out your relationship.. I am dying inside but it's how I feel... you have years and memories together, and loved each other enough to say vows in front of family and friends... I cannot wish for that to implode.. again I pray that you will be happy.. I confess to knowing of some kind of relationship and immediately hope that you are not angry with me for this... I never felt it was my place to say something.. that was too personal and I wanted you to feel comfortable enough to tell me when you were ready... I plead with you to remember that you are a wonderful caring amazing beautiful beautiful young man and to never allow yourself to be treated otherwise... I wish you well, give you an "I Love You buddy" and tell you that I will always be here for you. I hope that our paths can cross some day as I would not like you to become someone who just disappeared into the history of my life... maybe that was too much, maybe that was selfish, but I had to say it... if it was the last thing you ever heard me speak, I wanted you to know..

I re-read the email over and over, and then it hits me.... "at this time"...

I know that you purposefully choose your words, I know that you don't write off the cuff....
your words mean something to you and you choose them with care.. I also know that you know I notice things.. we both do... "at this time".. but wait.. there is also no rejection of me.. nothing to indicate that you never want to lay eyes on me again.. nothing negative at all... did you? Could you?
I steady myself to not read too much into what I am sure was not an easy email to write.. I can feel the pain and see the resignation in the words..
"at this time"... is this a postponement? Its certainly not a rejection, or not the rejection you could have written... "Never/Can't/Won't/Don't, a thousand things you could have said and a thousand ways you could have told me that you never wanted to see me again.. but that is absent... completely absent...
"at this time" it gets louder in my head.. is it possible? Can I let my heart believe those words... as I write this, I look out the window and there is another damn silver Dodge Ram... another reminder of you... I look down at my boots and almost start to cry...

how will I package this for my heart? My brain? My soul? Can I believe that you have written hope into this message to me? How will I ever know? Did I impact you in the same way you have impacted me? Can I hope for that? MY one prayer is for your happiness and if that comes to pass as coming back to me... I can almost not even think in those terms.. Am I wrong? Am I seeing that which doesn't really show? It's burned into my heart.. and I know that patience and faith must sustain me for however long this process takes...

Will you reach out to me if your marriage doesn't survive? Is that what you want me to see in those three little words? Can you? Did you see enough of what "This" guy is about? Did you hear my words and take them into your soul, your beautiful soul...
you came out of nowhere for a different reason than where we found ourselves... that was divine.. two people so equally matched across so many levels... connection.. affection.. if there is a sliver of a chance that I can show you just what I am capable of, will you take that chance? All the work I did this year, was it in preparation for showing you that I existed... was it to show you that your happiness is what you must pursue? I don't know where I would find another You. You tick all the boxes, and Yes, I don't know everything, but what I do know, and what I have seen... you aren't even close to anyone I have ever met. I've been on this planet a decade longer than you have, and you have never come along before... not even close....

the tears flow so easily, as they are right beneath the surface... so many things remind me of you.. I've worn boots every day since you left, and I will wear them every day until... I wear this grief like a blanket, it hugs me and holds me in its embrace... its comfort and despair rolled into one heavy coating... some one like you doesn't come along every day and this is why this has gripped me so completely... we don't choose who we are attracted too, that comes from some place holy and divine... we were brought together for a reason, and I know God uses people to teach other people... just don't forget me... this guy is exactly what you see... and from the love circled around me right now, that's exactly what people do see...

until this mystery is revealed, until I can say some of these words to you, until I can hug you and look into those beautiful eyes, know that I am here, just as I said I would be... a text, an email, a phone call away.. day or night or just because... a shoulder to lean on, arms to soothe, or just a silent drive for hours in the country... it's all here for you...

I pray for the Hollywood ending, you know, the handsome cowboy showing up in his silver Ram truck, professing that he knows what he wants and that that includes me... but my life doesn't have those type of endings... they are all lessons and turning points.. points of decision and soul searching... hero's don't normally turn up for me... just once?

I love you buddy, and I care about you... you changed me, you made me step up and keep up.. you made me feel alive again after a difficult year of lessons and tests for my spirit and soul... I want so badly to reach out to you, but I know that would be the biggest misstep... you need this time to just be... our time will come, I am sure of it...

you are a beautiful, amazing young man... I am blessed to have shared with you, to have met you, to have experienced your essence... I am happy I could make you smile...

take care.... hugzs hugzs hugzs (my way)

xoxox

ry