with the flow...

I recently purchased a "new to me" DSLR camera and have been having a blast learning to optimize my switch to the digital world... I have been a film holdout until this year and still have a film camera for those outings where I want to live on the edge with not being able to look at the pics until after developing.

I  took a photo seminar that was offered locally a few weeks ago and learned how to use a longer shutter speed to create the silk look of flowing water... playing with ISO and Aperture to create some interesting slow shots...

the flowing column fountains come out looking like tall ghosts with silky trails at their feet...

looks like sweet melting icing...

so much fun to slow everything down and stretch out the oxygen bubbles into white satin... these are all as they came out of the camera.. I have not retouched any of these images in post production...

was a fun afternoon of crawling around this courtyard, trying out different shutter speeds.....

I am enjoying my passion for photography in conjunction with my writing... both a great outlet for creativity and exploration... what do you indulge in that takes you away from the day to day and fills your mind with unlimited possibilities...

pleasing petunias...

posting picture perfect pretty purple petunias.....

 I think I will let them say all that needs to be said...

 see these are one of my favourite annuals... baskets and baskets of them.... purple or red....

such deep vibrant personalities. faces to the sun... 

perfectly perfect...

for the first time...

"for the first time" is the title to my latest can't possibly live without piece of music... sung by "The Script" from the UK... link is at the bottom of my post... I had listened to the lyrics many times before... but today the words hit my brain... maybe it was the continuous loop on my iPod but they sank in today... I started feeling the words and letting them flow into my life and all my experiences... he sings about his girlfriend but I let the words drift to encompass myself and I...

maybe it's the approaching 44th birthday that has me waxing philosophical but I find myself looking at who is looking back at me in the mirror and it sometimes feels that we are meeting for the first time...

who is this dude with the increasingly grey hair looking back at me... I know he is a good guy, but could he have been more, given more, loved better, been more patient...

not been so damned scared of everything...

how have all my experiences been engraved onto the face I see... this person I present to this world, friends and family...

I am at that age where I remember my parents and the more "mature" people in my world starting to leave us... more funerals than weddings, seeing their pain as they moved their loved ones into care or into hospice for their final days... all the broken hearts and all the "jack" drunk alone in the local bar... all the smiling but at the same time close to tears... all those ripples under the surface that we all smooth over so as not to be "that person" who is always in the shit... never has anything together... the one we all avoid....

I'm not giving up, not by a long shot, I just really wonder do we really ever know that we made a real difference to this place, the people we know, this great, colourful mural of humanity... do our brushstrokes even count... are we even supposed to know?

I look around my life and it is a good one, I have few regrets, but have at the same time, never truly "had it all"... or maybe I have, but just used the wrong scale to judge... always seem to have had employment that I loved, and when it wasn't great anymore, had the strength to walk away and allow a new door to open, family is good, those I have chosen to call "family" have my back, and I theirs... but the great love of my life eludes me, and maybe that is my lot in life... I am loved, that much I know down to my core, but I have never been able to hold on to a significant other... never found quite the right balance between holding on and letting go I guess... maybe that's my lesson this go round... that and patience... not good at either...

So I put it out there, look around and look deep, look at those eyes in the mirror and all the secrets and fears, love and tears, laughter and joy...
what would you say to that face if you were to meet it again for the first time...
maybe take it further, honour who you see, love who you see, respect who you see, cherish and comfort who you see looking back at you.. .
for some of us doing that, will truly be the feeling that you're meeting ... for the first time...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPEBN2dVNUY

raindrops...

late spring rain showers, glistening drops of silver hang like decorations glinting light... stretching their tenuous grasp till they finally finish their downward journey...

slipping and sliding along lubricated leaves and buds... nourishing life... scrubbing clean... refreshing...

 highlighting shades of green and reflecting the subdued rays of light... perched as if ready to take flight...

pooling and gathering together until branches now too heavy to carry their visitors weight, bend a farewell sending cascades of droplets on to their next destination...

freshened air, clean and sweetened dampness... life giving essence... let it rain down....

an apology...

an apology to the world this morning after the events in Vancouver last evening... as many of you no doubt woke up to headlines of riots in Vancouver after losing the Stanley Cup to the Boston Bruins, I feel compelled to put forth a few words...

disgusted does not even come close to being the best word to describe how I and the majority of Vancouverites and Canadians feel this morning after such a senseless and thoughtless display by a few undesirables... people in this world riot because they are oppressed, because they have no other choice in how to get the worlds attention, people riot to stand up to corrupt Governments...
last night a few "Canadians" rioted at the loss of a hockey game... again.. as in 1994

it saddens me as a Canadian today, to have these people be a representation of my country... a country built on peace and peace keeping... a country where people are free and can live a life they choose, yes like most countries we have our issues, but we are a great land, a warm and gracious people... generally respected around the globe... but today... sadness and horror...

have we learned nothing? mob mentality aside, are we so spoiled in this country that to lose a hockey game means becoming less than human... destroying property and people's businesses because...why...

I ask each of you who read my posts to understand that this incident was the actions of a few, mindless self absorbed obviously disturbed individuals who do not represent the people of this country I call home... disheartened I ask you to look at us as a whole nation...
let your thoughts of Canadians be coloured by the works of the majority and not the deeds of a few...

allow us to rise above the headlines and be your neighbours, without fear and unease with us... we are good people and we stretch out our hands to you...

for you...

when the words no longer come

we will speak them for you..

when the memories have been misplaced

we will remember them for you..

when the faces you see, you no longer recognize

we will remember them for you..

when the stories no longer flow from your lips,

we will share them for you..

when your dreams are out of reach,

we will dream them for you..

for you, are ours

and we bask in our love for you..

for you taught us much

and we walk those lessons for you..

for you are part of who we are

and we wear that knowledge for you..

for you loved us deeply

and we share our love for you..

though I personally do not walk alongside someone with mental illness, I am close to a family that does. A father being lost too soon by Alzheimer's... I offer up what words came to me as comfort, love and support for some very wonderful people... remember, rejoice and relive the journeys... those memories will carry you through the tough times, the tears and the heartache... love is infinite and everlasting, traversing this existence and keeping those we love, alive and in our souls... anyone lost in the journey of loss and letting go, I also offer this.. for you...

miss b...

let me tell you about miss b.. who incidentally will probably be horrified that I chose this medium to praise our friendship... she doesn't like a fuss made, but somehow Hallmark just didn't have anything even close to what I wanted to say....

see miss b is another of my "go to girl's" I am blessed to have in my life... friend, teacher, counsellor, confidant... an all round classy lovely lady... blessed with a strong compassionate soul, an office door and home that is always open and without a shadow of a doubt, the one person I know if I called at any time of day for any reason she would be there in an instant to help out... even if that meant by train, plane or camel for that matter... she has a firm grip on the mantra of "talk less and listen more" when it is important to do so, always a multi-faceted outlook of the issue and an instinctual gentle command of delivery of solutions...

I don't think it is my ability to read people that has created my wonderful "family" in so much as being open to what the universe provides to me to be the best I can be... miss b and I started out as co-workers but it has moved beyond office walls and time-sheets to a mutual trust and caring for each other... miss b at the age of, well let's put it above 5 years old, blessed me with being flower girl at my wedding 2 years ago... finally trumping her own sister who has yet to don said title...
it is one of my most treasured memories, and thankfully on film for all of eternity...

so miss b, thank you for the quiet reserved grace and love that flows my way from your heart to mine... thank you for making the loss of my loved one a much smoother and gentler road to traverse... thank you for allowing me to unload every morning even if that meant revisiting memories of your own who suffered the same illness... thank you for the friendship, the laughter the warmth and caring... for living your life this way,

honouring me as you have done, has also honoured my family in the same way... Aunty knew who you were from my sharing of you with her... and I know that she too was thankful that I had such a lovely spirited soul with me on my journey... you were her "kind of people", and to me, that says everything...

journeys...

 a first tentative step.. the sudden idea of seeing a new vista and setting out to discover it... a birth unto a death... a thought conceived and brought to life... the minutes and hours of a life lived until it's time comes to an end... meeting, sharing, loving and parting... journeys that begin and move us through days of heartbeats and dreams... those of self realization, self doubt and those of profound accomplishment... journeys down that footpath which is familiar and soothing... journeys of painful recollection and reconciliation with our own faults and frailties... pen to paper or fingertips to keyboard keys laying out thoughts and heart reared prose...

journeys... compelling, angst filled, remembrance... the aroma of fresh baked delights jolting you back to age whatever... a grandmother's laughter and grace... each breath in, filling lungs and life essence, each a sacred journey to be honoured... each to be held and tasted and savoured as a glass of sweet wine offered to the very depths of your knowing, worshipped and filled with thanks... start a journey today... plant the seeds of awareness in your movements... scatter those seeds and let them fall on others paths where they may take root and flourish, leaving a hint of who you are... bless your journey with honouring all of it's moments, the hills and the valleys... may you be truly blessed with each road you face on your own journey...

home...

home is where the heart is, so the saying goes, not sure if I am completely on board with that, it's definitely where my "stuff" is.. bits and bods, this and that, treasures and mementos picked up along this life path.. but my heart, it can be found many places besides my humble abode...

as the song says "I've left my heart..." in many places on this planet... Adelaide AUS for example.. spent 4 months there years ago and the sweet, warm Aussies, kept a piece of my heart when I came back to Canada... as did the Jamaicans in Montego Bay when I took my sister there for her 21st birthday... their cool accent, wonderful food and amazing azure blue clean waters... yup, you can definitely find my heart there sipping some Appleton Rum... a piece of me stayed behind in London, at St Paul's Cathedral, on Tower Bridge, in Piccadilly Circus...

don't get me wrong, I love my home, cozy and warm, kittens curled up sleeping on various surfaces that they find comfortable, my garden growing and bursting into bloom and sweet scent... a place to hide myself away from anything and anyone when the soul needs some down time... a place to show off my entertaining skills, my party prowess if you will, loving and laughing with friends and family...

where is it for you? your home... is it where you are now, is it someplace you have come from and long to return to... personal and private, inviting and warm, is it the place where your heart is.... home

five oh...

so here we are at the big Five Zero, 50, so this is how it feels... not bad.. not bad at all.. can't say as I believed I would get here.. wasn't really sure at the outset of my journey that I really had it in me to get this far.. sure to some of you it's no big deal... 50 was long ago... for some of you this milestone is still to come..

it feels good to reach this goal.. a bit of a landmark for me personally and it has been quite a ride... I have enjoyed each step along this path, I have learned much about myself, my spirit and soul and also my abilities, what drives and inspires me... what is true and right for me on my path as a member of this planet we call home... a big thanks to all who have walked this journey along with me...

five oh you ask? oh it's not my birthday... though that isn't far off...

the 50 is my 50th Blog post..

so in honour of my achievement, I gave myself the gold star above...

thank you all for your comments, love and encouragement...

onwards to 100 I say... 

beginnings...

as the last of the May rains give rise to the glorious rays of June sunshine, life is abundant, nature stretches her arms towards the golden rays, warming herself... the fruits of this basking in warm light are everywhere, golden tones of petals unfurling, reds and pinks dot the landscape winking their summer hello... the shades of green cover every tone on the palette... chirps of winged "soon to be parents" can be heard in every tree and shrub, their busy nest building and caring for this years little ones in full force...

a newness hangs in the air, encompassing and holding much like a mother's loving arms... soft sweet whispers of warm days to come, evenings of moon lit skies and soft breezes... ocean waters breaking in time to the beat of life... renewal, rebirth, a reaffirmation of life and breath... a newness of hope and peace... after all that has fallen away, rain and snow - mist filled days... we find ourselves here again... embracing, loving, being... beginnings

skyward...

 though this is not the church I attend every Sunday, it became an important landmark to me over these last 5 weeks, it's the church just outside the grounds of the hospital where my Aunt was being cared for.. it's the oldest church here in BC where I live.. it was floated across the adjacent Fraser river on a barge more than 100 years ago to the spot where it now sits, Bell tower still pointing to the sky... still welcoming worshippers every Sunday.. a small little white clapboard structure with lovingly manicured grounds...

that bell tower became a reminder to pray and give thanks.. give thanks for the time, the life, for the incredible level of care Auntie was receiving from a group of Angels in the hospital... a reminder to give thanks for family and support, along with memories and laughter... those times will last forever... whomever you believe in as your God, just remember that an upward gaze to the heavens, always rewards you with something new.. a bird in flight, cloud formations, a sunset breaking in the distance, a flush of rain to clean away the tears, try it.. see what comes to your soul as you look up... skyward..

miracles...

I was blessed to witness a miracle today, a miracle of life..

I was with a loved one when she passed away..

I say miracle because that is exactly what it feels like it was.. a calm and peaceful end to a wondrous love filled life.. I feel somehow honoured to have been near as she slipped quietly from this world, free of her struggle with illness, much like as in life with no fuss... I sit here only a short couple of hours after saying my final goodbye with a kiss to her forehead and a last touch of her loving hands.. and I am at peace... my heart is broken, shattered and I am missing her sweet laugh already, but to have been present and having her allow me to be so, has no words yet that quite fit the moment... only a stream of tears...

I know that nothing will ever fill the void that her passing leaves in our lives.. see, she was our "go to girl", our source of outstretched arms of Love in ANY situation... she told it like it was but with such grace and style, never an "I told you so" in all the years I was blessed to know her.. she never told you more than she thought you could handle and was the closest I have ever met to real and honest unconditional Love.. if you had a good heart and didn't hurt people, you were her kind of person.. she welcomed into her home and life, anyone we cared for... she was our Matriarch, our glue, our hostess, our counsellor, our Love...
bless you Rita, for the Love, the Grace, the compassion and for being exactly who you were..

I think there were many miracles today, knowing her, loving her and being there to say goodbye... until I can see that smile and feel your touch again, I will carry you in my heart and live the lessons you taught..